The
Ten Worst Films of the Year 2002
Written by: Brian
Orndorf
1)
The Rules Of Attraction
Hate, love, suicide, death, drugs, money, guns, baseball bats,
James Van Der Beek, homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, fire,
pain, Eric Stoltz, Europe-in-four-minutes, smoking, drinking, Bret
Easton Ellis, rape, vomit, motorcycles, crushes, dreams, pornography,
Christmas, college, Jessica Biel, and director Roger Avary: a literal
nightmare of every conceivable wrong move you can make in a feature
film, tied together with a sickening hipper-than-thou bow. The
resulting movie was pretentious, disgraceful, and pure drivel. A
complete joke of a motion picture that was, mercifully, in and out of
theaters within the blink of an eye. True justice.
2)
Big Fat Liar
What starts as a tired, depressingly indulgent satiric take on
Hollywood producers (Is this funny anymore? Ever?), soon just bottoms
out as another “Home Alone” knockoff with nothing new to bring to
the table. I don’t actually understand what children could see in
this movie besides the slapstick, provided by an embarrassingly
volatile Paul Giamatti, who proceeds to simply scream his lines
throughout the entire run of the show. “Big Fat Liar” isn’t
amusing, nor is it creative. It’s just a huge stiff that was a trial
of epic proportions to sit through. A testament to the lazy mentality
that has overtaken family films in recent years.
3)
XXX
Hyped to the moon, yet the final film never got off the ground.
This James Bond knockoff might’ve been catnip for the Mountain
Dew-swilling knuckleheads who bought the press, but as action films
go, this one was a bloated affair, unable to connect with one set
piece or one-liner. “XXX” also allowed star Vin Diesel to flex
some muscles, none of the acting kind mind you, and he humiliates
himself with a performance that barely rises past mumbling and
smirking. We had a Jason Bourne picture and a James Bond film that
achieved with minimal effort what “XXX” threw millions of dollars
away chasing after: charisma, competency, and smiles. “XXX” was
honestly more “ZZZ.”
4)
Enough
Jennifer Lopez redeemed herself for this junk with December’s
charming “Maid In Manhattan,” but that still doesn’t excuse this
exploitative thriller. Practically making fun of the deadly threat of
domestic abuse, “Enough” hid behind its “empowerment” mindset
while it systematically destroyed every trace of believability and
empathy the film had. Seemingly written in crayon, “Enough’ was a
disaster for Lopez, and I truly believed it was a career-ending role
for the limited actress. Thankfully she recovered, but this toxic film
remains a potent reminder that Lopez isn’t exactly capable of
picking projects wisely.
5)
Murder By Numbers
Created as a vehicle for the perennially goofy Sandra Bullock
to show off her dramatic acting range, “Murder By Numbers”
proceeded to sacrifice everything just to make her look good. Logic,
good acting, and especially pace was thrown out the window in this
unconscious, dry-as-toast thriller. It was like watching paint dry.
6)
Kung Pow! Enter The Fist
Steven Oedekerk is not a funny man (also evidenced in his Imax
animated short “Santa Vs. The Snowman”), but I never thought any
comedian would be capable of something as laugh free as “Kung Pow!”
In hindsight, this elaborate variation on the same joke was an
inventive idea, but Oedekerk doesn’t know what to do with it. This
resulted in a painful 80 minutes of screen time, punctuated by a
trailer for a sequel that was never made in the first place. When I
attended a showing of this film, even the brain dead preteens who
normally eat this stuff up were walking out on it. That says more than
I ever could.
7)
Pumpkin
It’s tough to fashion hip, ironic comedies these days, but
the makers behind “Pumpkin” gave it the college try with this
disgustingly inept picture. The set up of a mentally-challenged boy
falling for a rich sorority sister (Christina Ricci), with her
eventually returning the feelings, is questionable enough. However,
the filmmakers cheat the idea royally by making the
mentally-challenged young man as good looking as a Gap model (though
they do muss up his hair for “authenticity”), and piling on the
bad taste gags in an effort to appear smart and cool. There is no
heart, no feeling, and importantly, no humor to be found in this
garbage.
8)
The Triumph Of Love
Chalk this up with “Murder By Numbers” as another
snail-paced filmgoing experience where you just want to claw your eyes
out by the time the credits roll. Based on a famous mid-1700 French
stage play, “Triumph Of Love” never once had the notion of leaving
its theatrical origins, retaining the self-conscious dialog, staging,
and even briefly showing a modern audience enjoying this tale along
with the movie crowds unfortunate enough to have been suckered into
this film (as odd as it sounds). Costume farces like this have been
done to death, yet “Triumph Of Love” stands out from the pack as
being particularly faceless and unpleasant. I’m all for ribald
France slapstick with heaving bosoms and identity-switching, but this
picture doesn’t even try to be engaging.
9)
Scooby Doo
I’m not all that big a “Scooby” fan, but even I felt
outrage over this rape of a franchise by this big screen adaptation.
Everything of merit and charm in the cartoon is gone here, replaced by
snide double entendres, laughably outdated “star” cameos, and a
predominantly miscast group of young actors in the lead roles.
Reprehensible material here, rewarded with huge box office and a
sequel due in 2004...and can anyone explain to me why they made
Scrappy Doo a villain here? Unforgivable!
10)
Drumline
It’s easy to be blinded by the fantastic marching band
scenes. They honestly do explode like nothing before. However, take
away the sheen of musicianship, and you have the worst screenplay of
the year. “Drumline” was a disaster, featuring the most
disgustingly smug lead character in recent film, and a script that
continually rewards his bastard tendencies left and right. Had the
filmmakers made the film solely about the bands, all would be peachy.
But they stuck this travesty of a script in there to provide the core
of the film, and that core was completely rotted away.
Runners
up: Jason X, The Master Of Disguise, Abandon, Sweet
Home Alabama, Showtime, Waking Up In Reno, I Spy, Collateral Damage,
Igby Goes Down, The New Guy, Pinocchio, Fear Dot Com, Swimfan, Fat
Girl, 40 Days And 40 Nights, and Van Wilder
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