Feature | The Hollywood Race
Written by: JP

Kelly Kimball (Democrat)
Web site: http://www.buttmonkeybeer.com

Kelly Kimball and his partner Scott Mednick are both running for
governor. There really is a beer with that sad and unusual
name (same as the website) due to be released soon. Scott and Kelly
are partners in making that brew. They are running to both
publicize the brew and protest the election.

M. The election could go to a winner of only 15% of the vote.
Do you see a need for election reform?

K.K. When any wealthy individual can pony up $2 million
of his own money and buy a recall, something is horribly wrong with
the system. This is supposed to be a process of, by and for the
people. We at the ButtMonkey Beer Party believe that the price tag
for the purchase of a recall is way too high for the common man, and
should be lowered considerably. Our internal studies lead us to
believe that the cost of the recall should be no more than $67.50.
The ButtMonkey Beer Party calls upon our leaders to make this
important change, and bring the process back to the common people as
Governor Hiram Johnson originally intended.

M. According to the Voter Information Guide, you did not accept
the voluntary spending limit of $10.6 million. Are you planning
a really huge election party or something?

K.K. It became immediately apparent that the system, by
forcing these voluntary spending limits upon us, were trying to quell
the groundswell of support we anticipated from the good citizens of
the State of California. Our decision to forgo the spending limits
appears, in hindsight, to be the correct one. We have raised to date
nearly $46.00. With just over a week to go, we feel well on our way
to our $20 million dollar goal.

M. What can we do about the increasing volumes of beer from
out of state?

K.K. Immigration is the heart of the ButtMonkey Beer
platform. For far too long foreign beers have been pouring,
literally, into our state, threatening the purity of the California
beer drinking culture. These foreigners, coming from as far away as
Nevada, Arizona, Oregon, and even Milwaukee, have had their last free
ride. As Governors, we will eliminate the inport of foreign beer, and
require ButtMonkey Beer to be the official beer of California.

We realize that the years of assimilation of these foreigners into our
culture will not be easy to reverse, so ours is a staged approach.
First, citizens of the State of California will have a two week
opportunity to exchange the foreign invaders for ButtMonkey Beer.
Second, all Californians harboring the foreigners will be required to
register the foreigners with their local law enforcement authorites.
These individuals will be allowed to drink the foreigners themselves,
but will not be allowed to distribute the invaders with friends or
family. Finally, in an effort to be fair to our foreign brethren, we
will allow the limited purchase of foreign beers, but not without
registration and a two week cooling off period.

M. How do you explain to a person after three pints of
Guinness why the bubbles flow down instead of up? [After
three pints, explaining how nitrogen bubbles are trapped in
a roiling seem pointless.]

K.K. We at ButtMonkey Beer assume that anyone seeing
bubbles flowing downward is probably lying on his/her back. To be in
such a state after a mere three pints would indicate a horribly low
tolerance level. In this case, we recommend ButtMonkey Beer’s Lite
Beer Brand – Chimp-pansey.

M. A few governors have structures named for them. What
would you like to have named for you?

K.K. Of course we expect personal glorification for our
work in this great State. All great politicians wisely spend the
taxpayers money on monuments to themselves, and rightly so. We
believe that the size of the structure should be commensurate with the
contribution made to society, therefore we will rename the very
important sub-atomic particles, proton and electron, to Scott and
Kelly. From that day forward, children all over the world will be
taught that all matter is made up of a nucleus, a Scott and a Kelly.

M. Several attempts to have a state-wide holiday after
Thanksgiving Day called "Your Welcomesgiving Day" have failed.
Do you believe an obvious attempt to create a four day weekend is frivolous?

K.K. Great question. When YourWelcomsgiving day failed,
the proponents of the effort backdoored the issue by requiring
Thanksgiving to fall on a Thursday*, guaranteeing the four day weekend.
As Governor, we will mandate that Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of
that week will be ButtMonkey Beer day, giving Thursday worshippers
something to truly be thankful for. The whole week will be a
ButtMonkey Beer celebration.
[*Editor note: This is not the reason it falls on Thursday.]

M. Some have suggested that a few candidates have entered the
race only for publicity, personal gain or just to make a point.
Do you have any advice or comments for these people?

K.K. We, the candidates of ButtMonkey Beer (watch for
our product release this Spring!) are offended by many candidates
cynical attempts to use this recall for personal gain. We, the
candidates of Chimp Chiller, Baboon Brew, Ape Ale, Lemur Lager and
Chimp-pansey, will use the power of our administration to thwart any
attempts to use the people’s process for personal empowerment. The
sacred Initiative, Referendum and Recall processes are tools of the
masses. And after a hard day of circulating petitions, would could be
better than the refreshing taste of the Original Chimp Chiller.

M. You are running as a Democratic candidate against a Democratic
incumbent governor. How did beer affect this decision?

K.K. Wait a minute… I’m a Democrat?

M. It has been suggested that California be split into two states.
(Southern California and a California Lite.) What would you do to
preserve California as one state?

K.K. Your question goes right to the heart of the ButtMonkey Beer
budget plan. In fact, we are the only candidates to date with a
serious plan for dealing with the deficit.

Rather than split California, we at ButtMonkey Beer
will expand California’s borders by use of The California Lotline
Adjustment Program (The CLAP). First, Pittsburg, California will be
sold to Pennsylvania ($2 Billion). Likewise, Parris, California
will be leased to the French (we sell them nothing!) Now, we
understand that Parris is spelled wrong, and isn’t actually worth
much, but what do the French know? Let’s call it another $2 Billion.
We annex Oregon and Washington, by force if necessary. This gives us
access to 90% of all the timber and water in the Western United
States. We clear cut the entire State of Washington. That’s another
$26 Billion.
Finally, we take that money wasting, energy sucking black hole we call
Sacramento, and swap it for Las Vegas (this will surely involve our
State Militia). There’s another $32 Billion. Add it up. We’ve
solved the State’s $38 Billion deficit, and have $26 Billion left
over. After my commission, California is left with a $13 Billion
surplus.
Immediately upon election, we will bring The Clap to every citizen
of this great State.

M. How about the town of California, Pennsylvania?
K.K. There's a California, Pennsylvania?!
In that case, yes. California, Pennsylvania works right into our plans.
You see, the ButtMonkey Beer Party believes that it is not appropriate
to increase taxes. Instead, we need to increase taxpayers. If elected
Governor, all citizens of California, Pennsylvania will be required to
pay personal income tax to California. An increase in California's
revenue, and an increase in my commission. Winners all the way around.

M. Do you believe in a two party system? One party on Friday and
the rest of the weekend to recover? One long party on the weekend?

K.K. The two party system assumes a break In the action. One long
party over the weekend is the only appropriate way to govern.