The Human Times #3: Who Needs Liz Smith Anymore?
Gossip and Meandering on Celebrity Message Boards!

Written By: Marianne Moro

      What, if any, are the differences between the Internet exchanges by fans of various celebrities, known and unknown. Let's traisp around the Internet and see what we can find.

Not surprising, fans of heavy metal groups contain the most obscenties. Britney's boards dabbles in minutia and makes the least sense. But what about lesser known celebs? Back in the ancient times, oh, like 1980, you had to snoop around hard to cadge photocopied zines to find those with similar inclinations. Now, a compadre is right at your fingertips.

There's always one fan who makes an utter arse of herself (or himself) over a celeb. However you can tell from the breathless tone of the posts that the girls in question are wanna-be groupies, not stalkers. So guys, you don't need to call Gavin Debecker anytime soon. Most of the panting guys seem to be pretty harmless, too. It's just overactive hormones.  Now, though, instead of embarrassing yourself in front of a few friends you can do it in front of the entire world. Anonymously with a wacky screen name of course.

There are too many places to gab. You can go on IMDB and blab about cult favorites, lost gems or every  obscure movie imaginable - there are boards dedicated to everything from "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" to "Four Dogs Playing Poker." There are official sites, Artistdirect boards for every music group imaginable, the E-Entertainment site, even general newspaper sites entertainment boards. It can get embarrassing when you see it's been a year and a half since the board's last post. Kinda bad for the celeb in question's ego. There are surprises, though. After checking a movie message board, I was amazed to find that more than a few women exchanged lustful thoughts about Jeremy Irons. Every other post on the Denise Richards board was from some poor schmoo who is seriously smitten with the actress, though he congratulates her on her engagement.

Even older or deceased icons have message boards. There are myriad boards for Elvis, one for his impersonators, for Engelbert Humperdinck, for the Monkees. Now which one of these boards has the most activity? The Beatles and Jimi Hendrix. Poor Englebert has only had three posts in the past year.

There's even a celebrity expert board where you can query to your heart's content about, say Barry Manilow, to a volunteer "expert." I shudder to think what some of those questions might be - not to mention the answers.
Of course, then there's such a thing as knowing too much about your idol. It's the same as discovering stuff about your boss, best friend, or even your spouse that's best left unmasked. It's a variation of what is commonly referred to as the Madonna-Whore theory.(I don't know what you call it when its women looking at men. The Pope-Axl Rose theory, my cousin April and I used to call it.) There are some celebs you revere so much you don't wanna hear any dirt on em. "Get that away from me. He came into my office with his wife and kid. He doesn't do that stuff."  And other celebrities are tailor made for dish - you want to know every dirty detail and then some. "He did what with a loaf of French bread? Ya got pictures?" 
                                                 -30-