DVD Review | Beneath Loch Ness
Written by: Kage Alan

Film Rating: D-
DVD Special Features: N/A

It's usually the film that get the worst reviews or word of mouth that I end
up liking.  Maybe it's the fact that I see the movies as underdogs or I
dislike critics (doesn't that one just make you think?), but I will usually
go out of my way to see something that's been slandered and "Beneath Loch
Ness" has taken a pounding.  Well, they're right.  It's crap, pure smelly
fish entrails kind of crap.  Unfortunately, it's not even a fun kind of crap,
which makes this the avoid-at-all-costs smelly fish entrails kind of crap. 
I'm actually surprised this got made and I really have to wonder about the
quality of the agents these actors have.

When Prof. Gus Egan (Dick Stilwell, "Mimic 2") discovers something
interesting at the bottom of the Loch, he sets out to capitalize on it for
the television channel he works for.  Unfortunately, the area he's diving in
is on a fault line and when a couple minor tremors hit while he's down there,
he disappears.  The people funding the expedition don't want to lose their
money, so Elizabeth Borden (Lysette Anthony, "Krull") suggests bringing in
Case Howell (Brian Wimmer, "Tank Girl") to take over and come up with
something (an exaggerated lie perhaps?) to save their collective butts.

Case isn't a welcome edition to the group, though.  It turns out that he was
on the team earlier, got bored or something like that and left.  Now he's
back and nobody really wants him there.  After a huge amount of bickering to
beef up the film's running time, the team gets back to work and discovers
that the legend of Nessie may not be just a legend after all.  The tagline
for the film reads something like "60 Feet of Prehistoric Terror" but would
be more honest if it read "60 Feet of Laughable CGI When You Actually Can See It".  The local constable (Vernon Wells, "Fortress") is the heavy who doesn't want to warn people to get out of the water (does this sound familiar?) and Patrick Bergin ("Sleeping With The Enemy") plays a man who lost his family to Nessie years earlier and wants revenge.  He even goes so far as to don make-up ala "Braveheart" and dive on down to face off with the beast.  Blah blah blah.

Okay folks, this movie simply sucks.  While it doesn't sound quite as bad as
it is while relating the plot, it just doesn't work.  The underwater shots
(of which should be exciting and plentiful) aren't really filmed in water. 
It's a pitch black soundstage with some fog to limit the lights on the
actors' helmets.  Is this innovative filmmaking?  No.  It's called cheap. 
Worse yet, was this filmed in Scotland?  Nope.  Many of the actors have, um,
accents that are supposed to resemble the Scottish dialect, but aside from
Lysette Anthony, I don't think any of them are even from that area of the
world.  One unintentionally funny sequence shows Elizabeth waiting for her
ride at a train station, only they either forgot to film it or decided later
on that they needed a transition and borrowed some stock footage.  Whatever
the case, Lysette Anthony is digitally inserted into the shot and totally
looks out of place.

Buena Vista actually released this turkey in the Widescreen format, only it's
not a great transfer (hardly a surprise).  Sequences are so dark that they
barely show and the daytime sequences look grainy.  As for audio, it's all
over the place.  Between the music and dialogue above water and below water, I had my damn TV volume up and down so often that I began to suspect my remote control was starting to enjoy the attention a little too much.  As for extras, there are a few trailers and that's it.  Actually, no, there is one
more extra; the price.  Not only is Buena Vista dropping us a turkey, they're
making us pay for their mistake with an MSRP of $29.99.  I'll just go ahead
and say it; they're bastards.

Do NOT buy this movie.  Don't even think you're getting a fun bad film either
because "Beneath Loch Ness" is simply BAD.  For as many decent films as
Director Chuck Comisky has worked on as effects supervisor, he needs to stay in the film business in that capacity only and never be allowed to write and
direct anything like this film again.  The actors really need to sit down and
have a chat with their agents and as for Buena Vista, I'm not surprised at
their screwing us with their price and crappy transfer.